This “Pressword” thing you set up for me to blog my tech tips with is awesome. I know the internet can send email, so I’ve sent you a few through “Pressword” but haven’t received a reply. I’ve been publishing them as you taught me. Is there some trick you need to do to make sure the internet takes the email to you?

let me know when you get this, thanks

Drew

Ps how do i check new mails on this thing too, in the same area??

Subject: Help!

Message Body:
I’m not sure how to turn my computer on?

I’m not sure how it was on in the first place, but I need to know before it gets tired again and falls asleep!

Please help me unicorn tips!

Don’t worry, the experts are here. First you need to determine if you have are using a PC, Mac, or Lenox. Macs do not turn off so you are not using a mac. If you are using Lenox then you’ll need to do lots of shit first.

Let’s hope you are using a PC. I’m running windows 98 (believe it or not some fools still use Windows 7! 91 versions behind the latest release, what are they thinking?!), so this is what I do to turn it on:

• The most important part of any tech tip is restarting. Before you turn on the computer you need to restart it. Restart 3 times for good luck and omens and shit.
• Once you restart you have to find the button to turn it on. Damn kids keep making these things smaller so you might need a flashlight.
• Press the button.

If your computer turns on, you are done. If not, you’re fucked, buy a new one. Thanks for writing in!

Now I’m not saying this tutorial is going to make you AWESOME in real life, that’s close to impossible. But at the very least, you’ll appear like an AWESOME person when typing on the internet! I hope you stupid idiots aren’t wearing socks, because I’m about to blow them off your damn feet!

1. First head to the Windows start menu, click on Programs and then Accessories.
2. Next look inside the Accessories folder and you should see another directory called “Ease of Access”.
3. And then finally click the tool called “On Screen Keyboard”. (See right image)

Okay now that you have the On-Screen Keyboard active, your screen should show the same thing as the image below.

This is the on screen keyboard, consider it a portal that you can jump through (not literally you idiot) and immediately become much more awesome than your current pathetic state.

This is the on screen keyboard, zooming in a bit, we’re going to be focusing in on the left side of the tool. As you can see in Example 72.4A, I’ve highlighted the button that you need to click with your mouse to enable the all uppercase mode. Go ahead…click it.

Example 72.4A

ONCE CLICKED, ALL OF YOUR TYPING WILL AUTOMATICALLY BE IN UPPERCASE LETTERING. HITTING THAT BUTTON TELLS THE COMPUTER IT NEEDS TO TRANSLATE YOUR STUPID WORDS INTO AWESOME WORDS AND IT DOES IT ON THE FLY!

A FEW THINGS I NEED TO WARN YOU ABOUT..

• REMEMBER TO KEEP THE ON-SCREEN KEYBOARD OPEN AT ALL TIMES, JUST MINIMIZE IT WHEN YOU DON’T NEED IT.
• CLICK THE SAME BUTTON THAT’S HIGHLIGHTED AGAIN TO TURN OFF ALL UPPERCASE LETTERING.
• CLOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY, WHO KNOW YOU’RE A LOSER WILL GET CONFUSED WHEN THEY SEE YOU IMPERSONATING AN AWESOME PERSON. BE SURE NOT TO SLIP UP HERE, BECAUSE ONCE YOUR OUTED, NOBODY ON THE INTERNET WILL EVER TRUST YOU AGAIN.

THIS IS A WINDOWS ONLY TIP AT THE MOMENT, I’LL WORK ON A MAC VERSION SOON, SO YOU HIPSTER IDIOTS CAN FEEL AWESOME AS WELL!

And this is how you use it:

1. Download the Pixel Ruler. If you don’t know how to do this, leave a comment and we will go over this in another tutorial. We’ll probably make it a premium tutorial because that way, we will know that there is a demand for it and we can make a bit of money out of you.
2. Once you have downloaded the Pixel Ruler. Print it out. IMPORTANT: It MUST be printed in color else it won’t work. If you print it in black and white, you can color it with an orangey-brown Crayola crayon and it will be okay.
3. Hold the ruler up to the image, photo or Web design on your monitor you want to measure.
4. Use the top row of the ruler to measure in pixels, and use the bottom row of the ruler to measure in megapixels.

TIP: Not sure what the difference is between pixels and megapixels? Megapixels, as the name suggest are just better. They are bigger and better and they are PACKED with omega fatty acids which are really good for fat Web designers.

5. Once you have established the length of the graphic or photo or Web template you are measuring, you can either write it down, remember it, or post it on Twitter. If you post the number on Twitter, it cannot be above 140 pixels or megapixels.



6. Please note that you can only use the ruler horizontally. We hope to work on and release a vertical version at some point in the future.

Enjoy!

All world wide web sites are created using another world wide web site called GeoCities at the world wide web address of http://geocities.com – In fact the entire internet is actually GeoCities.

Unfortunately GeoCities is closed, and there will be no new world wide websites made ever. again. The internet is over.

Instead, this is what I do and I hope you find this useful:

1. Open iTunes. If you’re not sure which application iTunes is, it’s the one that cripples your computer by using up all your system resources. If you’re STILL not sure which application it is, it’s the one where the logo looks like an old lady using a zimmerframe because the software is so fucking slow:



2. To avoid anyone seeing how much you like ABBA, DO NOT RATE ANY OF YOUR FILES IN THE NORMAL WAY. I’m not even going to tell you what the normal way is so that you don’t do it.
3. Instead, AND HERE’S THE TRICKY PART: Right-click the song you want to secretly rate:



4. After you’ve clicked, “Get Info”, click the INFO tab:



5. And that’s it. Now prying eyes and ears will never know how cool you think ABBA are.

Save yourself some time and follow the steps below to avoid having to register with yet another site. It’s getting ridiculous how many usernames and passwords I have to remember. I must be a member of at least 5 sites now, I cannot keep up.

1. Go to Google.com. IMPORTANT, REMEMBER: Google is operated by the US government, so anything you type on this Web site will be read by Barrack Obama. Keep it clean, his kids might be looking over his shoulder when he’s looking at your search logs. Then, click the I’M FEELING LUCKY button:



2. You will then be logged in to a secret Google page. Ignore what it says. It’s not important.



3. Just type in something you are interested in. For the purpose of this tutorial, I am going to type in “WEB DESIGN”.



4. If you are on a high-speed 28.8k dialup modem like I am, the following Web page should appear after about 34 minutes. That’s just over an hour if you are on a low-speed 14.4k modem:



5. And there you have it. No sign up. No registering or giving your personal information away so no need to worry about the police ever tracking you or the people you have locked in your basement. And I have managed to “Stumble Upon” a really great resource for “WEB DESIGN” or anyone interested in CSS and PERL and/or UNIX.

Lots of people ask me, “How do I search for a picture on the internet?” and I tell them, “it’s very easy”, but some do not believe me. So for the very first time, I would like to share with you my secret of how to search for the best pictures on the Internet.

Let’s choose a picture we want to search for. I’m going to go with the first thing that comes into my head, something simple: I want to see a picture of a dwarf in red boots.

1. I’m going to go to a Web site called Google.com. If you don’t know what Google is, try Googling it. Here’s a screenshot:



2. HERE’S THE IMPORTANT PART: Type in “altavista” and press Enter. Enter is the button on the keyboard that is called “Return”.  Here’s a diagram in case you forget:

ENTER = RETURN

3. A new Web site called AltaVista will load. It will look like this and this is what you do when it loads:



4. Type in “yahoo images” and then click the red button that says “FIND”. Ignore that shit I told you about earlier regarding the Enter and Return button, that’s retarded. All the cool kids are clicking “FIND” these days instead.

If you have trouble remembering what “FIND” will do, think of being on an island and you want to find some treasure. What would you do? That’s right, you would point at your dog and say, “FIND”. Think of the picture you are trying to find as treasure and you will never forget this tip.

5. After you have clicked “FIND”, you will be taken to a secret Web page that looks like this:



6. Click something. Anything. It doesn’t matter. Then you will be taken to the best place on the internet to find pictures. It will look like this:



7. When your screen looks like the one above (WARNING: you MUST have the same celebrities by the way, else this will not work) click “SEARCH”. SEARCH is a bit like “FIND”, but it’s usually yellow and spelt differently. The way I remember how to click SEARCH is I try to imagine if I lost my dog on an island full of treasure. I would never do that because I have got a really long leash, but if did lose my dog, I would have to go and SEARCH for him.




SEARCH for dog = SEARCH for pictures on Internet = CLICK SEARCH

8. Voila. A dwarf in red boots:

So, you live with your girlfriend and her mum owns a Kombi, it’s parked outside of yo crib, and you gotta start that g-unit before it don’t bust caps on command. Here’s the guide.

Most people know that engines need to be run every now and again, it also helps keep the battery charged. To do this, you need access to the inside of the car or other automobile. To do this, you need keys. Keys can usually be found on the owner, if not, gain their trust then ask for the location.

Once you have the keys you need to get inside the car. Put the key in the keyhole and turn, this should unlock the door. To do it in style, or if the lock on the drivers side door just happens to be completely and utterly fucked, you can enter from the passenger side. Remember that this be Australia, and we drive on the other side

Success. You up in that bitch!

Next, find the ignition, put the keys in it and TURN BABY TUURRNNN

Turn in the same direction that a clock ticks for maximum success. If yo ride be from the 70s you can easily use a slotted screwdriver as a substitute for keys.

When turning be sure do have your foot on the accelerator, some people call it a gas pedal as it controls the flow of petroleum, nicknamed gas regionally, this will help the engine start.

In this photo you can see it doing the revolutions but not doing any kilometres per hour or other interval.

And that’s how the pros do it.